(this picture is supposed to be with the bow pictures, but a lot of the stuff on this computer is in Russian and I can't figure out how to move it!)
Everyday is the same. Sleep late, because we stay up late talking to family, and its not like we have somewhere to be! Go see the baby from 1-3. Although I love seeing her, its getting harder to entertain a baby for two hours. I'm tired of the visits, I just want to get this done so we can go home. Its much colder in her region than in Kiev. We think its because its right on the river, at the largest part. You can't even see across, it looks like the ocean. We each only have one sweatshirt. We may give in and buy an expensive one here. Thats all we've been able to find so far.
Interpol still hasn't come in. So still no court. We are considering going to a hotel because the apartment is freezing! And I think I may just be more comfortable there. We can use our own computer, which means we can skype again with the boys. We haven't been able to skype since we've been in her region. I really, REALLY, want to go home this weekend, I don't want another weekend here. So please, please pray that interpol comes in tomorrow. It leaves us wondering why they send families to the country before all the paperwork is finished!
Its hard to explain to you my emotions right now. I don't want to leave my beautiful girl, but emotions thinking about home just take over my heart. I feel like I've abandoned my boys, and feel like I've taken risks when I have children at home. I don't know why I'm feeling this, but this routine everyday is literally making me crazy. My appetite is gone, and I just want to go home. People keep telling me I'm the strongest person they know, and that I can do this. But I'm not so sure I feel the same. I crack a little more each passing day with no court.
Anyway, here's some pictures finally. I gave in and downloaded then on to this computer. I'll just have to leave them a note to delete all of our pictures when we leave. One day it was actually nice enough to go outside for a bit. So here's some of her orphanage.
Trying out our bows and beanies from home!
We call this the cabbage patch face!
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You seem rather depressed. First? Your boys are fine. They may miss you, but they know the importance of all this. I truly believe that visiting for a weekend is going to be more harmful. You would be swooping in, exhausted and depressed. You would have a harder time going back. I really suggest that one of you goes back and stays or neither of you goes back.
ReplyDeleteDo you really want this little girl? Your resistance to staying and your dislike of visiting says otherwise. Perhaps you should really think about this before you commit to this darling child.
I am so sorry you are having a hard time hang in there Lacey and don't feel guilty. Guilt can only bring heart ache. I think about you all the time and I pray that things will be ok for you and your family. She is so adorable! I love those pictures. She looks so much like you!
ReplyDeleteHugs
OK...whatever. You are totally justified in your feelings. Obviously this person has no idea of what all you've gone through. You just have to hang in there. Everything is going to work out and you'll be home with your precious girl before you know it! And that pic at the top...could she be any cuter?!?! Oh my gosh! She's going to be one spoiled little girl! She's so lucky to have you adopt her!
ReplyDeleteGirl, just try to make it through one moment at a time...those moments will up to minutes, the minutes to hours, the hours to the time to bring that beautiful girl home.
ReplyDeleteSometimes just sticking with a plan to it's end works out better than breaking it up into parts. I agree with Sandra.
You have nothing to feel guilty for! Keep a journal for your boys. Make up the time you've been apart by sharing this journal. Then have your boys add their thoughts to your journal....what a family treasure you'll have.
Thinking of you!
Tammy and Parker
www.prayingforparker.com
Lacey I'm so sorry I can't even imagine!! We went to Atlanta for a week and that is in the country and we had all our kids with us and I just really wanted to go home. Its what you are familiar with. I know things will be great once you get her home!! But I do wonder if it would be harder to go home and then go back. Whatever though I'm sure you will make it work and do what is best for you and your family!!
ReplyDeleteShe looks adorable and I am just so excited for you!!
Good luck and hang in there!! You are doing great!!
To Sandra, we do want this child. And maybe you have adopted, but when you are in a strange, scary, country, its hard to handle. My emotions are a wreck. As soon as I get her home we'll be fine. I'm having a hard time splitting between her and my boys at home. I do love the visits, its just that I want the visits to end so we can go home!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm staying home and my hubby and his father are coming back after the 10 days!
Hang in there, you'll be back with your boys soon. It will all be so worth it Lacey.
ReplyDeleteKeep your eye on the prize. Remember, it will all be worth it. All the hoops we jump through for adoption seem crazy in the moment... but trust me, they soon become a distant memory. I can't tell you how many times Steve said, Nope - I quit. I'm not doing one more interview, home study, fingerprinting, etc. It's silly looking back. We would do all over again 10 times for Max.
ReplyDeleteLacey, she's BEAUTIFUL!! I love the cabbage patch face! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteLacey! She is breath taking! :) I want to thank you for your honesty and keeping it real. I don't know why it is so hard for some people to understand how overwhelming and scary this can all be, why they don't understand that it guts us to be away from our children, and how hard it is to be in a foreign country where you don't speak the language, have no clue where anything is, and are completely at the mercy of the court system there. I want to see some of these people that make these comments step out in faith and adopt a child with special needs internationally! This is not for the faint of heart that's for sure. I know that you don't feel strong right now, but know that all of us RR Families Love and Support you and are standing behind you and lifting you up in prayer daily. It will be so wonderful once you get your little Princess HOME and can just relax and breathe and sit and snuggle her with out the end of your visit looming over you. It has to get harder and harder to give her back each time. You ARE So Strong, and we are All So Proud of You! It is a shame that people are made to feel that they cannot be honest for fear of Judgement from someone who doesn't have a clue what they are talking about. I have 4 children 5 and under and I'm sure that being away from them for several weeks will be the hardest thing I have EVER done. As much as we WANT it, and as much as we KNOW that it is WORTH it...That doesn't meant that it isn't hard. You are amazing and so is your little Princess!!! We are praying for you! And Thank You So Much for Posting Some Pictures of the Orphanage and grounds!!! This is were our Precious Angels, Charlene and Ryan, are!!! I hate that it is So Cold there! We were hoping that you might catch a glimpse of them while everyone was outside playing! :)
ReplyDeleteAgain, You are Constantly in Our Prayers! We cannot wait to see your little girl come HOME!!!
God Bless,
Candice Eichhorn
Soon to be Mommy of Charlene and Ryan (13)
eichhornadoptionjourney.blogspot.com
So glad to see the cute pics! And, I'm glad to see that you're still hanging in there, even though it's a struggle. You're almost there! And, think about how long you've been waiting for this opportunity (although I'm sure you've already thought about that).
ReplyDeleteI know that right now, in the middle of it, another week or two feels like an eternity, BUT you can and you will get through this. You will be able to be home soon and be with your boys. I understand firsthand how difficult and how torn-up it makes you feel to be away from comforts of home and children who are waiting. They are being cared for, and you will make it!!!!!
Love the cabbage patch face! She is absolutely a doll! When you get her home this will all be worth it!
ReplyDeleteHang in there a while longer! I would be depressed being there too! I get depressed when I am away from my boys when they are at school for crying out loud! I would be a mess! But, you can do this! I'll be thinking of you and praying!!! Love and Hugs!!!
Praying for you especially that court proceeds and that all the paperwork is completed so that you can head home. Glad Ray's dad can travel back with him to pick her up.
ReplyDeleteShe is so beautiful, I can't wait to see her with the boys.
Hang in there Lacey!! You will ALL be HOME soon.....TOGETHER!! Thanks for the pics, she is absolutely beautiful=)
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have not had the pleasure to go to EE to adopt I can understand the guilt feelings and the pulling back and forth feelings too. Our adopted son is constantly in the hospital. I spend my time with him there so he isnt alone and my husband or other family are with my other 4 children. I have so much guilt about that.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the best you can and it will all be over and a memory soon. All you children will be at home together. Keep strong I will pray for you.
be blessed
ashlee
Lacey,
ReplyDeleteI totally understand. Even just a few days waiting for all the paperwork, etc to be done with Ava in the hospital RIGHT UP THE STREET depressed me. It was hard being away from Ella and if felt ridiculous to be waiting for signitures and such when I felt like this was MY baby and we wanted to get home. It's like Hello, we are going NOW. I hated being treated like I didn't really BELONG there by the horrid social worker we had, like she was doing me a great big favor letting me spend time with Ava, even though birth mom wanted me there with her. It's just ridiculous, and then you get home and it's finally YOUR family and it's fine. But I still get a sour feeling thinking of the hospital. I would be so frustrated with Interpol and I would be bawling a lot. Just saying.
Lacey, I am sorry that it is so miserable. I am praying that the courts get to you soon so you can return home to your boys. It will be such a sweet reunion. I am so happy to hear that Ray's dad is going with him to go back for your beautiful girl! That is fantastic.
ReplyDeleteI know that hearing "It'll all be worth it" sucks because you KNOW that. So I'll just end with a giant (((hugs))) for you and Ray.
And seriously - the top photo, and the Cabbaga Patch photo .. she is ADORABLE!
Don't you think that this precious girl and a lot of other children live like this and even worse EVERY DAY ? You will go to your beautiful home and she is staying there...like always...sorry but i'm with Sandra...you should really think about this before you commit to this baby girl...
ReplyDeleteO Tiffany! I am really shocked, Lacey and Ray do not know me, I am an oft visitor to their blogs but live in the UK and never comment, I have just followed their story and drop by every day. Please take the time to read their story and really understand that they are committed to this baby and have invested lots - emotionally, physically and financially - in the adoption - there is no turning back, do you really think that they want to leave her to go back to either their apartment in E Europe, a hotel or in Lacey's case back home to be with her other children - their daughter's brothers - when all the adoption paperwork is in place? If you do then you are totally misunderstanding what has brought them here and really have no right to make such an inflammatory comment when Lacey is in a vulnerable no man's land that I can only sigh at and empathise with.
ReplyDeleteJust think how many people will be touched by this story and adopt a child in their hour of absolute need.
Lacey, stay strong, I love you, Ray, Mondo, Tanner, Carter, Jaxson and your joyous little baby girl. I love that you make blankets for children that you will never meet, I love that you care so much for all your Ds friends. I love that you are prepared to be so honest here to support people that you will never know who will read this blog when they are feeling like you do this week and take strength from your story when they look on to your story in a couple of weeks and see your blessed family all together - all 7 of you (plus kitties and puppies!) in your cosy family home.
love Kirstie xx
I agree with Kirstie! I am so upset over the two comments that were made, probably by people who dont even know you or your story. They dont know how hard you have worked to get this far! You are human, venting to people who you know, understand you and love you. For someone to suggest you reconsider does not care about this sweet angel, the best thing for her is you! You are the best Mother and she needs you. She needs her Brothers, her cousins Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and we need her! Aunt Krisy
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love her hats and bows!! Lacey, I am so sorry this is taking so long. We will pray hard.
ReplyDeleteI don't usually write, and am a lurker! :) I've read often about Jax and the loving care you provide, great mom that you are. It is wonderful to see the possibilities in this beautiful girl you are adopting! You are giving her opportunities she would never have had before. Know that for those of us who are not in a position to adopt, you lift us up with your commitment and your efforts! Praying for you and your family in what has to be a very challenging time.
ReplyDeleteI never post on Blogs for this reason. Too many people with too many opinions and they all think that we want to hear them. If you are not on this blog to support this family, then go somewhere else and wallow in your sad life. We don't need or want your uneducated opinion. It's clear that the two "helpful" ladies have not read your background and so they in turn just make themselves look stupid. But, we are kind and loving friends and won't pick on you. :) It's really not how this family rolls. Lacey and Ray know what they need to do and they are doing it. I have learned first hand how difficult little sweet Jaxson can be to care for, and Lacey does an AMAZING job with him. It's second nature for her and she never complains. She will get through this challenge and she will care for her baby girl just as well. That little girl has no idea how lucky she is. She's about to find out very very soon.
ReplyDeletepraying for you, for your boys and your little beautiful girl! that everything is gonna go the way you planned and you're gonna be together forever being the beautiful family you are.
ReplyDeleteAnd for those who comment without knowing the full story, remember: "when one of your fingers points to someone, the other three are pointing to you..." don't judge people, who are you to judge?, we're humans, and humans are made to accept, while our father up there is the only judge:)
Veronica Garcia
Jaxonville
She is too beautiful! I can't imagine the emotions you must be feeling - wanting to be with your little angel, but more so because you haven't made as large of a connection yet missing your boys like crazy. You are so brave and even though you may be hurting you are giving Makayla a gift that no one else has ever given her - unconditional love. She is so blessed to have you in her life. Hang in there! We're praying for speediness with the courts.
ReplyDeletePraying for you Lacey. I'm not going to say "Hang in there" because everyone else has already said it. Get your strength from God. He'll sustain you and He'll keep you all through this tough time. Hugs to you!!
ReplyDeletethinking of you guys tons every day and hoping and praying that interpol will take care of whatever they need to finalize ASAP so you can get to the 10 day wait period and get it over and have your beautiful baby girl home with you!!! sending HUGS!!!!
ReplyDeleteSee I knew you would figure it out Lacey!! Having Ray and his dad go back!! You always do!! Try not to focus on the negative look how much more positive is on here!! Everyone knows that this adorable little girl is suppose to be with you and your family!! I definitely think its normal to want to be with your other kids too!(how could that not be hard on someone?) When Maggie was in Boston for a month and I stayed with her for the first two weeks while my other two kids were at home I missed them like crazy. I got sick over it and had to go home. Which meant I had to leave Maggie and Sean had to take over with her. I didn't want to leave her but I needed to see my other kids. I don't think that means that she shouldn't be my child because I had to leave her for two weeks with her dad so that I could care for my other two children. That's crazy! You have five children and one is somewhere else for a little bit but you have to care for them all even if that means you have to switch off where you are. Anyway I just felt like I should comment again and keep cheering you on!! Follow your heart!!
ReplyDeleteLacey she is breathtakingly beautiful, you are so lucky. I understand it's hard being away from home and the boys but keep reminding yourself that you are not away from all your kids, you are with your little girl, who is your family. This is the hard part and it will be over before you know it. Remember what you told your boys before leaving, Makayla has been alone all her life and this what you are going through is just very very temporary. Take strength from that. She is absolutely adorable, I can't get enough of the pictures, have been staring at them and looking them over and over. Just think of what an amazing life you are going to have with her and what an amazing life you will be giving this little girl who otherwise might never have found the love and comfort of a family and such unconditional love. Don't dwell on the negative of being there, try and stay positive then the rest of your stay won't pull you down the way it is seeming to. Stay strong my friend, it's all so worth it.
ReplyDeleteLacey~You are amazing, honey! Your raw courage, putting into words how you really feel...sharing your heart. What an honest testimony you're choosing to share with family, friends and strangers. So many future adoptive parents will truly be blessed by this, because with your courageous words, they will now be able to enter into their own adoption experience with their hearts and eyes a little more open. WE are BLESSED, because of you, Lacey!
ReplyDeleteMakayla is absolutely breathtaking...what a precious little gift from God...chosen just for you and your sweet family. Very soon now, you will all be home...in the sweetness of all things familiar and comfy. Sweet baby M will not only bring enduring love, she will create even more, as you all bond together in the many wonderful years to come. Just know, you're feeling and doing everything right...right for you...and right for little Makayla <3
Many huge (((HUGS)))...lotsa LOVE...and bazillions of dreams come true! <3
I've never commented before but I do follow your blog. Please take this comment as someone who is on the outside looking in.
ReplyDeleteI do not think that you don't want your daughter. I can tell you do. I guess I just want you to make sure you are making the best decision you can based on what is best for everyone and not how you are feeling at this moment.
I know that you miss your boys and can think of nothing else but getting home to them. However I do remember reading that you couldn't stand the thought of your husband there in EE without you. I just wonder if you'll get home and then start feeling guilty for not staying the 10 days with your daughter.
In a perfect world, your boys could have gone with you. Unfortunately we are all familiar with how our worlds aren't perfect.
I only want to help and offer a different perspective. Please don't feel like I'm attacking you or your decisions. I just know that sometimes, we all need a different viewpoint.
I trust that you will make the right decision for you and yours. I would just say think everything through so that you won't have any regrets.
Oh Lacey - your post is truly heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteIt is plain and simple reading it that you are simply homesick. You are in an alien environment, not in control of the situation, and pretty bored by the sounds of it - only having 2 hours a day filled is hard.
The end is in sight, you will get there and it will work out.
I agree with Dawn, I think when Ray heads back without out you it will make you unhappy, but I also think if you head back with him it will make you unhappy too, so on balance staying home where you can at least care for your sons is probably the most sensible option.
I think that people forget how enormous what you are doing is, and how overwhelming the emotions can be, I ask any reader who is a birth mother did you never actually feel - OMG what have I done at some point when you were pregnant? I certainly did, and since my first 2 kids were IVF babies it wasn't like I didn't want them or plan them.
Take care and take strength in the fact you are over half way there
Angela
Lacey, you are doing fine, you are going to make it!!! Everything you are feeling is totally normal. I kept worrying that we would die over there and our kids would be parentless... etc. etc.
ReplyDelete@ Sandra & Tiffany, I just came back from 7 weeks in that country and I met many adopting families who shared their honest feelings about the process... everything Lacey is going through is completely normal. You have no basis to judge her desire to adopt on her stressful feelings, and you are not helping. In fact, you are adding to the stress.
Lacey, I love all the pictures. She is just beautiful! I can't imagine all the emotions you are going through, but just wanted you to know that we are praying and thinking of you often.
ReplyDeleteLacey,
ReplyDeleteIt is unfortunate that it is so easy for others to share their own not-so-positive thoughts during a time that is clearly difficult for your family, even when the joyous end is not so far in the distance, I can easily imagine how hard it would be to be away from your boys in a foreign land, in an less than fabulous not-so-comfortable apartment that is nothing at all like your home.
Keep your head up, and don't feed into the remarks of others who are not supportive of your endeavor. While each passing minute may feel like a lifetime during this time, soon enough you will be back home in familiar territory surrounded by love and your sweet baby girl will finally be home.
I admire your for your courage, being sheer and honest about your feelings. There is nothing wrong with any of them. It's a big process and you are doing the best that you can in a difficult situation, for one amazing baby girl.
much love from Iowa....
Lacey,
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I am one of Marianne friend (who adopt Darya).
I know exactly how you feel. Even though I was born and raised in Malaysia but had left there many years ago. When I went the last time for my late dad last days. It was very difficult on me.
Shops do not sell the kind of things we have in the US, people mentality are different, even with my own families, I have problem dealing with the differences, and more to say dealing with the corrupts / inefficient government agencies. I nearly threw my towels and gone back before my flight but my husband encouraged me to hang on.
I have difficulty even conversing with the locals there because I have been away for so so long.
Even I was born and raised in Asia, I have a challenging time handling it whenever I visit.
Then leaving my 4years old for 3 weeks is hard on me and also on my husband.
You are honest with your feelings and readers who read should appreciate that honesty.
I will remember you in my prayer.
Jamy
(((hugs))), Lacey! All will be as it should be soon enough, with your whole family together, including your beautiful, newest addition. It won't be long now. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now, with all the emotions. You and Ray are strong, and your beautiful girl is coming into an amazing family.
ReplyDeleteI, like Kirstie am a reader from the UK who follows Lacey's blog and I think that these comments are unjust and unfair.
ReplyDeleteLacey I am so in awe of you, I'm just 16 years old and I have no idea how hard this must be on you but I am behind you all the way. Such is such an adorable little girl and you are going to be so lucky
Alex
<3
As all I can say is WOW.
ReplyDeleteI think some people are just insensitive to the situation and don't have all the details.
If you weren't homesick and missing your boys then there would be something wrong. I can only imagine how tired and worn you must be.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and it won't be long and you'll look back and be amazed at how well you handled everything.
Before you know it you will be home with your boys and your girl!
I think there is no perfectly right decision for you here, Lacey. On top of the normal emotion of missing your boys, you are having to deal with worrying about Jax and his health constantly as well. I think that is an additional guilt you are dealing with. (A completely justified worry, mind you) I do think that you will wish you were there for Gotcha day and I would hate for you to have regrets but if you look at all of the adoptions before you, there are many where only one parent stayed behind to finish the process. I can think of two off the top of my head where the dad was the one to stay and/or go back for the child. There is nothing wrong with that!!! My heart just breaks for you as you have to make these tough decisions but no matter what, the end result will be that before you know it, you will all be home together and you will have plenty of time to bond then. And in regards to your comment about how hard it is to just hang out in the room with her...I totally get it!!! I equate it with being in the hospital with Ella. All I am thinking about all the time is that I want to just be at home with her so we can be in a comfortable environment. I think some people may have misunderstood what you meant with that comment. It isn't that you don't want to be with her, you just don't want to have to be with her there...you want it to be at home. And then you have the added bummer of not being able to go outside with her. Could Ray maybe come back a few days before the 10 day period is up so that she isn't without you guys very long?
ReplyDeleteYou do not know me, but I have followed your blog for quite some time. I can't tell you how mucch that I admire you for everything that you have done up to this point and will continue to do. Focus on the positive comments and to heck with the negative ones. You are are allowed to feel whatever feelings you are feeling at any given time - that is your right. It is so easy for others to say what they would do or what you should do - but the reality is they have no idea what you are going through. Your honesty is so refreshing. The fact that you do not moderate your comments shows what an honest, authentic individual you are. The are so many bloggers who "censor" their comments, and I admire you for sharing it all: the good, the bad and the ugly. Keep up the good work - you are amazing!
ReplyDeleteLacey as a Mom who can understand you being homesick and as a Mom who can relate to someone publicly putting you down I just want to offer you a big virtual hug. Think of this time more as your sweet sacrifice for this child. Think of it as an opportunity to write a journal about everything you see and take tons of pictures. Stay focused on sharing your day to day life while in Ukraine and yo will see that the time goes by more quickly. I actually videotaped some Nickolodeon cartoons with my camera to show my kids back home. Things like that will help you to feel better. Also, try to find some second hand shops. They are pretty nice and way cheaper than actual stores. Also should ask your facilitator if there is some kind of flea market around because often times you will find yard sales nearby with tons of clothing too.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if the posters who felt the need to question your commitment to Makayla have any idea what a special needs adoption is about? They both ask for you to think about "whether you really should commit" to this child. Do they have any idea that with special needs adoption, you have committed to THAT SPECIFIC child MONTHS before you ever travel? Before you raise your first $1 of the money you'll need to save her?
ReplyDeleteAnd I wonder if they know about your scare with Jax, about how hard it was for you to leave him, about how you followed Christ's teaching of leaving the 99 to rescue the 1, trusting Him to take care of your beautiful son.
I wonder if they realize that this isn't the journey of someone who has shopped for the "perfect" child, a "healthy" child, who turned down referrals that she considered "too damaged," BUT instead it is the journey of a family who had the courage to step far outside their comfort zone to rescue a child who would have surely died otherwise.
Hang in there, Lacey. You are doing GREAT. XOXOXOX